Single and Thriving…Not Just Surviving

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching. Last year, I saw a couple of single female clients who got caught up in self-shaming because of the commercialized V-Day hype. The distorted hype that tries to convince you that not having a romantic partner is the culprit behind feeling lonely, unworthy, or unloved.  It disheartens me when anyone diminishes their worth, but especially when the basis is merely on their current relational status. Unfortunately, my clients weren’t alone in their negative thought processes. V-day tends to exude and elicit the BS notion that being single means being sad, lonely or suffering. As if not getting an over-sized stuffed bear and heart-shaped chocolate on Feb 14^th somehow defines or measures your happiness or worth. These false ideas have led to false and belittling mental beliefs about what it means to be single.  Shattering those false beliefs may take reframing what it means to be single. 

A few years ago, I made the very difficult choice to end my marriage. I was essentially stepping back into Singlehood, except this time as a single mother. I remember being plagued with how I would survive through all the various transitions that were to come for my daughter and I. Admittedly, there were difficult periods through my journey, especially the first-year post separation. Yet upon reflection, now I can honestly say that being single has shown me much strength and growth. I’ve received invaluable lessons over the past few years, that I may not have known otherwise.  Some of those lessons are very unique to my own life and personal situation. But many of those lessons were universal enough that I found myself constantly reiterating these themes to all my clients; not just the single ones.

Of course, everyone’s journey can look different because of their own unique circumstances.

Here are MY Top 5 Tips toThrive and not just Survive within the Sacred Solo Space of Singlehood.

{**Special gift for my Singles….Each tip caption also happens to be a few of my favorite song titles or lyrics for a dope “Singles” playlist!** Find it at the end of the blog post!} 

• Allow me to Reintroduce Myself (Public Service Announcement by Jay Z) – Get to know who you are…. again. Being in a relationship often taps into your giving side, rightfully so. This includes compromise, sacrifice, consideration, accommodation, and integration of someone else’s needs, feelings and schedule into your own. It is not uncommon to give too much or too little of ourselves in a relationship. This can result in losing yourself. Disconnection from the self can be a direct result of either withholding or overcompensating for your feelings. Crucial opportunities to build and develop identity are missed in this space. Spend this time to rediscover and reconnect to all your preferred and desired needs, interests, values & boundaries.

 

• Let it Go (James Bay) – Ruminating over a past relationship that is now gone (or any external circumstance you don’t currently have), is simply not useful in your journey of evolvement. Acknowledging, observing, and allowing your emotions the space to exist and breathe is healthy. Obsessing or victimizing over all the “What if’s”, or “Why can’t” or “Why me” is not healthy.  Allow yourself the space and time to grieve any loss until you end up on the road of the lessons learned from the experience. Just don’t allow yourself to get stuck in the pain.  Let go of anything beyond your control.  Consciously or unconsciously trying to control the outcome of a loss is neither possible or healthy. There are very real reasons why relationships end (whether it was your choice or not). So, try to focus more on the lessons that come from the loss and how to use those to get you closer to our favorite Instagram hashtags #relationshipgoals. Accept that you may not always get the answers, apologies, or closure you desire. Practice mindfulness as a great tool to keep you anchored in the present-not stuck in the past or worried about the future. 

 

• Flawless (Beyoncé) – Spend time nurturing your health and wellness. This includes your body, mind, style, and lifestyle.  Eat healthy (but give yourself at least 1 day per week to indulge in unrestricted food glory). Exercise/workout regularly. Try a new exercise routine or dance class that pushes past your comfort level. Try a new look- (hairstyle, fashion). Buy a new outfit(s) that makes you look amazing. Treat and spoil yourself to massages, mani & pedi’s, & facials. Set goals for yourself and write them down. Create structure and routines. Dive into some good reads. Meditate. Get involved in a community or charitable project. Spend more time outside in nature. Practice positive self-talk and beliefs. Start journaling. Start therapy to ensure you are  developing into a healthy fulfilled individual before your next relationship. Basically, take care of yourself solely to make YOU feel good, not for anyone else.

 

• Young, Wild & Free (Wiz Khalifa feat. Snoop Dogg) – Have Fun! Take advantage of the only time and freedom in your life where you need not worry about how your actions affect a partner. Spend more time with family and friends- nurture and cherish those relationships. Schedule more dinners with friends to try a new restaurant. Host pow-wows for your friends (with cool themes like, “Wing & Wine Wednesdays”, or a cool purpose like a “Vision Board Party”, or a Friendsgiving). Increase your socializing. Don’t take your social life for granted. Get out to meet new people. Make new friends. Date for fun and to simply get to know new people… not necessarily with intention/expectation of an outcome (Bonus Tip: Wear that new outfit that makes you look amazing). Join and attend a meet-up group around an interest or hobby that you have. Travel. This is the ultimate time for YOUR declaration of independence-don’t waste it.

 

• Love Myself (Hailee Steinfeld) – You can never be truly happy if you feel dependent on someone else to fulfill you. Having a partner or being in a relationship isn’t going to magically make you feel complete or worthy. The sacred solo space is the perfect time to connect to and align with the fact that YOU are responsible for your own sense of worthiness and happiness. Being single forces you into a space to find things that bring you peace and joy when there is no one to depend on or influence it. Learn how to please yourself…. in every way. Cliché but yet so true-learn how to love and accept yourself exactly as you are!!

 

University of California at Santa Barbara scientist, Bella DePaulo, conducted a research study on single people. She found that singles may have more fulfilling social lives and experience greater psychological growth than some married people. DePaulo’s findings consisted of a review of 814 research studies of people who had never married. Results showed that single people are more connected to parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, and co-workers whereas when people marry they become more insular.¹  The research also showed that single people have a heightened sense of self determination and are more likely to experience, “a sense of continued growth and development as a person”, DePaulo said.  Another study of single people showed the more self sufficient they were, the less likely they were to experience negative emotions. For married people the opposite were true.²

To be clear, I’m neither bashing nor advocating for one status over the other. Every person must discover the ways of living that work best for them. What I am urging is that regardless of whether you have a +1 or not, living a life that is full and meaningful requires you to feel connected to yourself, fulfilled, and aligned with your passions and purpose.  The sentiment that pretty much sums up my stance on relationships: Billionaire Mark Cuban was once asked to give an instant Powerball winner some advice. He said, “If you weren’t happy yesterday, you won’t be happy tomorrow. It’s money. It’s not happiness.  If you were happy yesterday, you are going to be a lot happier tomorrow. It’s money. Life gets easier when you don’t have to worry about the bills”. Basically, if you aren’t happy being single, you’re likely to not be happy in a relationship either. Relationships are so much better when two people have their own lives they are actively fulfilling, then decide to come together and share it.

Sure, there will be moments when being single doesn’t feel great. Some common classic ones for most are holidays, a solo wedding invite, etc.  My moments come when I have to take out the trash, take my car to the mechanic, or have to run into “Man’s Land” aka Home Depot & be treated like an imbecile. Apologies if my truth sets the gender stereotypes/female movement back ……. but I really do dread those tasks. One day, when I enter another relationship, I will happily hand those tasks over. However, I’ve come to appreciate that I am very CAPABLE of doing them all. I just don’t enjoy it! But even discovering the differences between my capabilities and my preferences, has been pretty damn empowering.

Whether you’re single or coupled up, in what ways do you practice living a life that is thriving and fulfilling? Share the love. ❤️

 

    Single and Thriving Playlist

 

 

References:

1. Gerstel.N, Sarkisian N. Does Singlehood isolate or integrate? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2015.
2. Bookwala. J,  Fekete. E. The Role of Psychological Resources in the Affective well-being of never-married adults. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2009; 26(4): 411-428